I say I’m fine, oh I’m fine…

But I’m not, I’m broken…when it’s out of control, I say it’s under control, but it’s not and you know it, no easy way to admit it, but being honest is the only way to fix it, am I the only one? Who says I’m fine…

I say it…you say it…but truth be told, most days we are not fine. I know I am not fine, but I have the hardest time admitting to my struggles. I used to think I had my act together, but I don’t even have a close grip on my act at this point.

And an act, truth be told, is exactly what it was, because I have never had it together. I thought I was doing okay until Nolan left us, but since then, not even close. I cannot even pretend any more I have it together in any shape, form or fashion.

On the heels of Nolan’s first birthday without him…one of my friends leaves us. She didn’t want to leave, but I can promise you, if she had the choice, she wouldn’t even think of coming back here. She is perfectly healed and whole. Something she has not been in 7 years now.

So, why do we tell anyone who ask we are doing fine? Why can’t we just tell the truth? I know I have had to start just being straight up honest. Without the honesty, I think people expect more of me than I am capable of giving. I do not want to be a liar anymore, I want to tell the truth.

So, truth be told..yeah I do okay. I have a great life for the most part, but it’s the other parts that break me. The parts where I do not have my sweet son-in-law anymore. The parts where my friends are dying from cancer. The parts where I feel like the country is falling apart around us.

“The truth be told, the truth is rarely told”….I recently told my counselor (oh yes I definitely see one), I do not do well anymore if I have not had any sleep and I sometimes have to rearrange my appointment and come home and rest. I just can’t handle the things I used to anymore. I said I came to realize when we did not work for almost 4 months that if I do not get to someone’s haircut until next week, they will be fine. She pointed at me and said “there it is”! “You are right! They will be fine”.

When you have worked as long as I have and you think you have to be the most responsible person on the planet, well I am here to tell you that isn’t so. Some days, we simply cannot be everything to everyone. We have to take a moment and do something foreign to many of us and take a nap!

I recently heard Kathie Lee Gifford in an interview say how our loved ones who have gone on before us, would not come back here even if they could. That statement hit home to me! They wouldn’t come here! I mean can we blame them? Who would want to come back here, if you were in Heaven and celebrating with Jesus!

My friend, Angie made so many friends in her cancer journey, and I bet they were all standing there waiting for her the second she arrived in Heaven! Her husband, Alan, said there had to be enough people to cover two city blocks waiting for her.

My friend, Meg, said it best! She said, “Run up and down the streets of gold! Say hello to family and friends who are there. You’ve only gone on ahead, we will meet you in the by and by…”

Angie, go run those streets of gold like Meg talked about, with your new, whole, cancer free body! You deserve it! You deserve that mansion! You deserve being in the arms of your loving Savior! You spent your days, no matter what pain you were in, with a smile on your face! You encouraged others every step of the way. We miss you, but we are happy for you! We all know one thing for certain, we will see you again! You will be standing right there the second we get there. If there is a hospitality committee you are definitely already on it.

Angie, many have been in awe of you. I have often thought of how you held Laney and her wiggle worm self while I cut your hair a couple of months ago. I know you didn’t feel good, but she wanted to sit with you. How we went to your house just a couple of weeks ago and you held her and entertained her, even though I know you were extremely weak. You did everything with your whole heart! You would have held onto her and not let a thing happen to her, no matter what it took out of you. It is just the person you are.

“For I know the plan I have for you (Angie), says the Lord. Plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). God had a plan for you…a plan we do not understand, but we know it was for His glory!

I will see you again! Until then, rest easy in the arms of our Savior!