“I’m gonna smile my best smile…

And I am gonna laugh like it’s going out of style” this is the opening to the chorus from a song Garth Brooks did many years ago. It plays in my head so often these days. We are all learning to live again, and it is painful.

My daughter, Alexis, just turned 30. She has been through so much and she too is having to learn to live again. It is not an easy task. It takes a lot of drive and determination and even more depending on Jesus. He is the truest comforter. He makes our days brighter and easier to navigate.

Not many years ago, a dear friend of our family, and someone Alexis grew up with lost her husband as well. How can two precious girls, two girls who love their Savior, have found themselves in the same places in life. For this question I do not have an answer, except to say, God has walked them every step of the way. To say I am proud of Katie and Alexis is a vast understatement. They have done what not many could do. They chose to love someone with all they had, and when the day came Jesus chose to take that person, they chose to keep on living the best way possible for their children.

I have always laughed a lot. I have a very bubbly personality, I guess it would be called. I have not always had this personality. When I was young, I was an introvert and did not do well interacting with others. As the years went on, this changed. I started to work with the public and learned how to interact with people. The first time this came to a stop, after years and years of being me, was the day Nolan left us.

The pain became so great I wanted to crawl back in my shell. The person I had become,in my adulthood, was leaving and I was not able to catch up with her again. The person my child was, strong and confident, had lost her way. Just this week, I have been told I am just blah now. This hit me hard and I honestly I did not know what to make of that statement. I really try hard to live a life that would make Nolan proud, but I guess I am not accomplishing what i hoped for.

I have been known for my laugher, for my outgoing personality, but these days that is not the case. After, Nolan left us, I wondered if I would ever smile again. Would me and my family ever be okay again? Six months out, what I know is without Jesus we would not be where we are today.

We are in search of something. Something Nolan did for all of us everyday….He kept us laughing, wanting to have fun, seeing the best life had to offer. He gave us a gift we need to hold onto! He laughed, he loved, he wanted nothing more than to see his wife and baby happy! What more can anyone ask of someone? Not a thing in my eyes.

Some days I just don’t have the energy and strength to move on. I just can’t! I have had to realize things in life, at times, cannot be changed. They can’t be fixed. We have to face them head on, whether we want to or not. I don’t want to! I want the life we had. A life with Nolan. A life that was the best! He made me smile all the time! Made me laugh. Made my child laugh, which made my heart glad.

“And I’m gonna smile my best smile. I’m gonna laugh like it’s going out of style, look into their eyes and pray they don’t see, that learning to live again is killing me, Lord, this learning to live again is killing me”. (Garth Brooks, 1992).

I look forward to hearing Jesus tell me how Nolan made an impact on so many lives. I cannot wait to hear the stories! Nolan lit up any room he walked into. He made this heart of mine smile all the time! Hang on to people you love. No one is promised tomorrow.