What is God teaching me?

Did I do something wrong? I thought I tried to do right, raise my children, and love Jesus with all my heart… These are things my family, and Nolan’s family (they are my family too), has been known to say to each other over the last 8 weeks. These questions we have asked one another have made me ask myself, “What is God trying to teach me”….

I will honestly say I do not know what He is trying to teach me in these moments of deep sorrow. Maybe He wants all of us who are overwhelmed with grief to know, God, is the only source of strength we need.

Not many days after Nolan passed away, I saw a painting from Cry Freedom Mission Shoppe, that I knew I had to have in my home. I had my husband, Bill, hang it where I would be able to see it no matter where I was sitting in my living room. The picture has the words from a very popular Contemporary Christian song called “Waymaker”. It says, Waymaker, Miracle worker, Promise keeper, light in the darkness, that is who you are”…

He is the light in the darkness! I cannot let my mind and heart forget that He is the light in a dark situation. God is going to make a way for me, Nolan’s parents, Alexis and Laney, and all of us who mourn together.

I also bought my sister, Kenni Nicole, and my niece, Ava Claire this same painting. I want Ava Claire to always remember that Jesus is the way maker and miracle worker and His promises endure forever. One of the hardest things to deal with besides the grief, Angie and Tommy, and Alexis have, is the pain in Ava Claire’s eyes. She is just a ten year-old precious child, who is unable to, at her age, process the loss of someone, so special in her life.

The day after Nolan’s accident, Ava Claire asked me to explain what I thought happened to him. I told her I was unsure of what actually happened, but I assured her, Nolan, was in heaven and rejoicing with Jesus. I told her to think of his sweet Granny Annie and Mrs. Sugg and how much they loved him and were so happy to have their baby with them. I said, “Granny Annie got her baby back!”, to this Ava Claire smiled through her tears.

It is hard to help an adult, much less a child, process their grief. The good thing about Ava Claire and my young grandsons, Jackson, Collin and Harrison, is they all know the Lord. They know, even as hard as this is, that Nolan is with our Savior. They all have Jesus in their hearts, and this makes the pain we are all experiencing, whether we are young or old, a little easier.

Right now I cannot tell you what God wants to me learn through all of this, but I know He wants me to rely on Him and Him alone. This world cannot offer the comfort Jesus can provide. He says in His Word, ” And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”. (Philippians 4:7, ESV).

Dear Lord, I do not know what you want me to learn in this season of deep heartbreak, but I know you are our way maker. Please help us understand your peace that passes all understanding and let that peace fill our hearts. In your name, I pray, Amen.